The Heart Mending

Al Green sang it best:

I can think of younger daysWhen living for my life was everything a man could want to doI could never see tomorrowI was never told about the sorrow
And how can you mend a broken heart?How can you stop the rain falling down?Tell me how can you stop the sun from shining?What makes the world go 'round?

Moving on from a broken heart seems daunting, impossible.

I have a beautiful four year old daughter who is rougher and tougher than any four year old boy I know.  She runs, climbs and wrestles with her brother.  She gets bumps, bruises and scrapes.   She is so unlike me in many ways.  But there's one interesting similarity.  She thinks a band-aid can cure any ache or pain.

I remember believing that when I was young.  Bug bite?  Band-aid.  Scratch?  Band-aid.  Broken arm?  Band-aid.  They were the fix-all and I collected them.  I had band-aids of all sorts of patterns and designs.

But one day, I had a mildly traumatic experience that a band-aid didn't help.  It wasn't traumatic by most standards, but as a little girl, it felt like nothing could be worse.  I'd been getting regular blood tests for a little while, but this day was different.  The doctor tried getting blood from my left arm several times.  Then, he tried my right arm.  Finally, he had to draw blood from my hand.  I was distressed.  For years after that, I was terrified of needles.

There are so many phobias in society that the mental health community is struggling to keep naming them.  Fear can be mild enough to just cause a slightly elevated heart rate or severe enough to be debilitating.  But fear is not a new concept.

The very first mention of an emotion in scripture is found in Genesis 3:10.  Adam and Eve had eaten the only fruit in the Garden of Eden that was off limits.  They knew they'd done wrong and they hid. In verse 9, God asks Adam why he was hiding.  Adam responded: "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid."

Isn't that really the root of all fear?  That we would be seen in our nakedness?  Our weakness?  Our vulnerability?

When I had to get more blood drawn, I was afraid because I lacked protection.  I knew that in the past, my weakness had allowed for pain and I didn't want to experience that again.  But I sat there.  I clenched my teeth and bore the pain.  And it hurt.  But I felt stronger, because I allowed myself to experience something that I knew would cause me pain.  I pushed through and I survived.

The next time I had blood drawn, it was a little easier.  Several years later, I became a mom.  If you've ever been pregnant, you know that bloodwork is a common occurrence.  Needles don't bother me anymore.  Psychologists call this exposure therapy.

The more you experience something, the less it terrifies you.  We know that God is all-knowing, so of course He'd know this concept.  I believe He utilizes this in His four gospels.  A quick search of the word "love" in the New International Version shows almost 700 uses.  When we look closer at some of these uses, we see something really interesting.

In Matthew, the first use of the word "love" is found in chapter 3, verse 17:

And behold a voice from Heaven that said, "This is my Son, The Beloved, in whom I am delighted." 

In Mark, it's chapter 1, verse 11:

And there was a voice from the heavens: "You are my Son, The Beloved; with you I am delighted."

In Luke, we find the word love in chapter 9, verse 35:

And there was a voice from the cloud that said, "This is my Son, The Beloved; hear him."

But when we get to John, we see the word "love" used differently.  The first time we see that word in John's book is in John 3:16:

For God loved the world in this way: so much that he would give up his Son, The Only One, so that everyone who trusts in him shall not be lost, but he shall have eternal life.

I think this is intentional.  It's easy to understand that God loved His Son.  Jesus was perfect.  Jesus never disappointed.  Jesus was the ideal child.  Anyone could love Him.  But us?  God wants us to know that His love for us is just as His love for His Son.  We are His children, after all.

God is working to mend my broken heart... to soothe my fear of love with a gradual introduction of the way He loves me.  He isn't throwing me into the deep end of the pool.  He's walking me down the steps into the shallow end first.  He loves His Son.  Of course He does.  But He's telling me that He loves me too... a much harder concept for me to grasp.  But I know that if it is in His word, it is a strong, powerful and true statement.

And I don't want to be afraid anymore.