I was once told that I'm incapable of love. I laughed it off on the outside, but on the inside it really hurt. My friends and I joked about it, but every time we joked, I worried. What if it was true? What if my ex had really stolen my ability to love again? I knew I was hurt, but what if the hurt was permanent? What if my heart had been permanently broken?
Most days, I do feel like a cracked pot. My heart just doesn't work right. I want to love completely and wholly again. To love without fear or reservation. But it's just so scary. I think of my children, when they were small. I'd be cooking and they would want to help. When I would open the oven, they would be so curious, but I'd keep them back, warning that it was hot. Sometimes, they'd try to come closer and feel the oven's warmth. They'd get just a hint of what I'd tried to tell them and they'd back up. I know that if they'd come closer, they'd have been burnt and would have clearly learned their lesson. It would have only taken one time, but I wanted to protect them from even that.
Unfortunately, I was burned. I loved deeply and vulnerably and was completely betrayed. And I learned a lesson. I learned that when you give your heart completely, you get hurt. I know that's not the lesson God wants for me, but it's hard to unlearn. Right now, my heart is in pieces inside my chest.
I met my husband in a most unique way. My friend Megan had flown from Florida to California to help her friend, Leona, move. Leona was in the Navy and knew someone with a truck, so he was there to help. As Megan talked to him, she thought of me. She asked me if she could give him my number. Jeremiah texted me a day or two later and we texted for hours. We had so much in common in terms of our hopes and dreams for the future. Instead of hesitating because of my kids, he was excited about getting to know them. We spent weeks talking on the phone and texting before he decided to come out and meet me. I do believe I loved him quickly, but it's hard to love when your heart is in pieces.
He is the most Christ-like man I know and he is so loving toward me. I love him as much as I can, but I can feel that I'm holding back. We've talked about this and he is patient and understanding. He knows how hurt I was and he insists that he'll keep loving me to show me what real love looks like. This man is so amazingly caring that I'm often in awe of how much he loves me and I want to reciprocate.
God is slowly putting the pieces of my heart back together, but there are cracks. There are gaps and holes that I'm not sure will ever be replaced or healed. But I think that's the part that makes my heart so special. You see, the gaps of my heart are being filled by God's heart. And His heart loves so much more deeply than mine ever could. I helped my mom once with a lesson idea she got from Angie Smith. She took a clay pitcher and broke it into several pieces. I remember sitting at our kitchen table with my mom and dad as we took the broken pieces and glued them back together. In my mind, I kept thinking that it was going to look terrible. There was no way this pitcher would ever be whole again. It would be ugly and misshapen. It would never be normal.
I was right. It was ugly. Abnormal. There were cracks and holes everywhere. I could see the lesson... that once a heart was broken, it could never be completely mended.
But that wasn't the lesson. After we'd glued the pieces back together, my mom put a light inside. Not only did the light shine out from the top of the pitcher, but brilliant light came through every crack and hole. The pitcher would never have lit up like it did if it hadn't been broken.
That's how I see my heart. It's broken. Cracked. Ugly. But God's love is shining through every crack and hole. I'm learning to love because God loves. I'm learning to let Him love through me. And that's exactly the kind of love my husband needs from me. Not my broken, heart-hurt love, but God's complete and unconditional love.
And that was God's design all along. "Love one another as I have loved you." His love does more than heal. It shines through the broken places. And finally, I see purpose in the pain.
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