For God So Loved?

When I became a Christian almost 22 years ago, I never thought that one of the simplest "God concepts" would be the hardest for me to fully embrace.  I was a young teenager and knew that I wanted my relationship with God to be real and not just a costume I wore on Sunday mornings.

I've always been a good person, by the world's standards.  I've never killed, never done drugs... never even smoked a cigarette.  But as we know, God's standards are much higher.  According to his bullseye of perfection, I had a long way to go and would never reach it on my own.  So, I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life... to help me live a life for God.  A life I'd never be able to live on my own.

But just a few years later, I had forgotten that fact.  I wanted to please God so much that I set up a legalistic standard for myself.  Well, not just myself, but others as well.  Anyone who didn't follow this "God path" just wasn't as strong in their faith as the "remarkable me".  I had decided to let God choose my husband and bring me true love, so I refused to date.  When God brought the right man, he'd talk to my dad and we'd court.  No need to date, because *I* trusted God.  I went to all the conferences (even volunteered at many), where I learned that any time you became emotionally attached to a young man, you gave away a piece of your heart.  It never occurred to me that this was truly flawed thinking.  I didn't love my son less when I had a daughter three years later.  Love doesn't work that way.  But, I was told that if I did a-b-c, my life would result in x-y-z and I definitely wanted what that promised: a perfect marriage.

So, at 24, when I met a young man who had been to seminary and was looking to be the pastor or youth pastor at a church, I thought all my years of hard work and sacrifice were paying off.  He asked my dad for permission to start a relationship pursuing marriage.  My dad agreed and we were engaged two months later.  God had really come through!  He brought me a man at just the right time and everything was moving so quickly and smoothly.  We were married just under a year after we began "courting".  I kept thinking about how MY story would make a great book.  I'd done things the right way.  I was ready for my x-y-z ending.

A few months later, my dream turned into a nightmare.  I wish I could provide you with the context of my pain and heartache, but you really don't need to know.  I was heart hurt in a marriage for six years before we divorced.

That was NOT the x-y-z I'd been promised.  And the worst part?  All the girls who had been in my "no dating" circle turned their backs on me.  I'd done the unthinkable.  I was a divorced woman.  I walked through the halls at church and felt like I might as well have been wearing a scarlet letter.  Why is it that when one of us is weak and hurting, other Christians are quick to judge instead of rebuild?

I began thinking the problem was with me.  My peers were rejecting me.  My husband, who promised to love me forever, couldn't stand to like me.  Surely God, who could see all the sin I'd managed to hide from the world, would deem me unworthy.  I felt unlovable and alone.  I was hurting.

Years have passed since my divorce and I've remarried a wonderful man (I'll write more about him later), but my heart still aches over feelings of unworthiness.  I feel unlovable.  I know that God loves the world.  It says so right at the beginning of one of the first Bible verses I memorized.  So that MUST include me.  I know it does.  But I know it in my head and not in my heart.  In my heart, I'm still searching for that love I was promised.  The love I worked for.  My husband of a year and a half has tried so hard to provide me with the love I need, but that's just it.  The hole in my heart can't be filled by a person.  It HAS to be filled with GOD'S love.

So, here I am beginning a journey.  A God journey.  A love journey.  You are welcome to join me.