The Greatest Fear

My greatest fear in life is to look into the mirror and see myself.  Not the image of myself that I try to present to others, but me... the real, naked self that I've hidden away.

The weak and cowardly little girl who wants only to be loved and held.  She sleeps each night with her puffy cat and hides beneath the covers.  The shadows scare her and she avoids the dark places.

The ugly girl who is cruel and mean.  She mocks and discourages and insults.  And when the cowardly girl tries to keep her head up, she abuses.  She cuts.  She hurts.  She steals joy.

The girl who settles because she doesn't feel worthy of goodness.  She allows the ugly girl to hurt her.  She lets the boy tear her apart inside, because that's what she deserves.  He tramples her underfoot.  She has lost her voice and power.

Today, I choose to face them.  I will see my true reflection.  This time, I will go into the mirror and fight the cowardly girl, the mean girl and the unworthy girl.  I will not be afraid anymore.

The Room Inside

     I have a room filled with all the pain from my past and present.  The scars inside are deep, the hurt overbearing.

     Sometimes I have to retrieve something from that room and I'm afraid to open the door, so I slam it shut hard when I am finished.

     I have discovered a way to dump more pain into the room without having to face the terrors inside me.  The room has become so full of aching that it cannot contain itself and it bursts through to scars outside.

     One day, I will clean the room.  I will open the door and face the demons who live inside.  I am afraid that I won't be strong enough and the demons will overtake me.

     So, for now, I sit against the door, using all my might to keep it shut.

I hope only to survive.