I am angry. Broken and angry.
I've had more blows dealt to me than any normal person could reasonably bear. And I am angry at God.
I even questioned His existence for a while. How could God let someone go through this heartache and betrayal again and again. I have tried so very hard to make sense of it all and it's just impossible. There is NO sense in this.
People keep referring me to the story of Job. They remind me that Job lost nearly everything. Well, I have lost nearly everything too... more than once. Every time I find myself healed and whole again, my entire foundation is shaken. I finally recovered from my first miscarriage at 12 weeks and I had a second miscarriage at 16 weeks. I finally rebuilt myself mind, body, spirit after heartache, only to experience more heartache. Heartache piled upon heartache.
I have lost things over and over again. When Job nearly lost everything, God spoke to him clearly and then blessed him with more than he'd ever had. So please... give me the story of Job. It would be an improvement. Not only am I continually torn apart, but God is silent.
Last night, we had several moments of crisis in our home. My daughter wanted a snack and I told her no (she didn't eat dinner). She lost it. She started screaming and yelling about all the things she hates. "I hate Grandma's room, I hate books, I hate..." There is something about my daughter that I need to explain to you right now. She has always been a Mommy's Girl. Her dad and I divorced when she was just a baby and she can be very clingy. When she gets angry with me, she usually asks me to hold her. Even when she's mad at me, I'm her source of comfort.
So, last night, she said with broken words, through painful tears that she wanted someone to hold her. I reached for her and she screamed at me. I picked her up anyway and held her close in a tight hug. She struggled and stretched and kicked and hit and screamed and tried to get out with all her might. She told me she didn't love me anymore. It broke my heart. Here, I was usually the one she'd run to for comfort and at this moment, comfort was something I longed to give her. As I continued holding her tightly against my chest, God spoke.
Child, is this not how you are treating me?
And I knew. These people who have hurt me sinned against me, but they also sinned against God. God is hurting for me. He longs to be my comfort; to hold me through this. But I have fought Him. I have struggled. I have screamed. And yet, He continues to hold me close. He can be my comfort. He longs to give me peace. He will give me treasures from dark places (Isaiah 45:3). His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23).
So, I have a decision to make. Will I struggle or surrender? I can seek comfort in my Savior. I will lean on Him.
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10
